Clashing Colours: Not Worth The Battle
By Linda M. Tobias
The other day, my son decided to get dressed with no input from me. He picked out some brown and yellow camouflage pants, a blue-and-red striped top, orange shoes and a green jacket. He was proud of the outfit he’d selected and wasn’t interested in the alternate shirt I suggested he put on instead. Getting him to change his clothes was going to mean a fight.
But was it a fight worth having?
When I’m tired and tempers are rising, sometimes everything seems important and every battle justified. When the kids won’t touch the meal that I spent an hour cooking for them, it seems worth the fight to make them try new foods and eat what’s served. When they won’t clean up their rooms, it’s a perfect opportunity to teach them responsibility and pride in their possessions. And when my son wants to leave the house dressed like an assortment of fashion don’ts, it seems worth the battle to save him from ridicule.
The truth is that none of those examples are fights that should be fought. I don’t agree with everything in Barbara Coloroso’s parenting book, “Kids are worth it!” but she’s right on the money when it comes to picking battles. In a nutshell, Coloroso says that a battle shouldn’t be fought unless the child’s action is life threatening, unhealthy or morally threatening. If your kid wants to do skateboard tricks with no helmet on, that’s life threatening; if he or she only wants to drink soda, that’s unhealthy. Actions that are unkind, unfair, hurtful or dishonest are morally threatening. Examples include deliberately excluding a peer from play, hurting an animal, cheating on a test, and so forth. Responding to these kinds of actions is not just appropriate, but necessary for the child’s physical and emotional well being.
None of the criteria fit a boy wearing clashing colours and conflicting patterns. And once I took a deep breath, I realized that if his pride and self-confidence were going to be undone, I’d rather it be by a bullying peer than by me. So I praised him for getting dressed on his own and out the door we went. I got a knowing wink from his teacher as she complimented his outfit, but the ridicule from his peers that I’d feared never came. He had a great day and took an important step towards independence.
What are some of the battles you’ve chosen not to fight? Let me know in the comments!
Kids New West is pleased to welcome Linda Tobias, a New West mom, writer, and editor. Read more of Linda Tobias’ writing at: http://innewwestwithkids.com/