The Importance of Self-Care

Happy, healthy parents create happy, healthy families

Along with the immediate challenges of raising kids, parents have what may be an even more difficult task: learning how to do all this without depleting yourself.

As a new parent, the needs of your baby can be all-consuming. While some lucky families may find their baby willing to sit happily in his bouncy chair or play with her toes in her crib, for most of us it comes as a shock just how strong a baby’s drive is to be near you, or better yet, on you, at all times.

Babies are wired this way for a reason: they really do need that much cuddling and care. For new parents especially, it is very easy to put off taking care of your needs while you answer your baby’s every cry and whimper. But eventually your body will rebel. No one can go without sleep, food, showers, housework, social time with other adults or fun forever.

When my first child was born, he was a high needs baby who hated to be put down for more than a few minutes at a time. He hated the stroller. He hated the bouncy chair. Don’t even get me started on how much he hated the crib! When I finally could settle him for a nap or at night, I would often start cleaning up or checking my email, only to realize when he woke up (always too soon) and back in my arms that I was starving, exhausted, really ought to shower, and in desperate need to pee.

In my pre-baby life I had taken it for granted that it was no big deal to go to the bathroom or hop in the shower. But with the tiny dictator wailing for the comfort of my body, I kept endlessly putting off my own needs to take care of his.

In time, I came to realize I had to rethink what I was doing: I had to re-set my expectations of myself, and I had to change how I prioritized my day.

Adjusting expectations

I had to go back to basics. I had become pretty good at keeping my baby fed, clean, rested and happy. It was time to do the same for myself.

First, I had to stop taking my own basic biological needs for granted. I had to give myself permission to nap instead of clean house if I had been up all night with the baby, and let go of the feeling that there were more important things to do than make time to shower, get dressed, and feed myself nutritious food.

I had to stop comparing my new life to the old. There were many things I just couldn’t fit in anymore, but there were also many new activities and interests for me to discover. When I stopped reminding myself so much of what I used to do, I could develop new routines that were more realistic and ultimately more satisfying.

Making time for yourself

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Once I started taking better care of my basic needs, I felt a lot more emotionally stable. I had more energy. I was calmer. It started to seem possible to pursue some of the other interests that make life feel rich. But it doesn’t just happen on its own: I realized I had to decide which activities were important enough to create time for.

It is not only just ok, but essential to your happiness and that of your family to make time for romance and friendship, to spend time in the community and pursue hobbies, meaningful work and other activities that make you feel a sense of accomplishment and mastery.

It may feel like you have no time, but there are often ways to squeeze in more than you thought possible. For us, a big one was cutting down the amount of TV we watch to create more time for hobbies. Becoming more connected with other families in the community also made a big difference. The children on our block run back and forth to each other’s houses to play, and that gives all the parents a bit of a breather. Paradoxically, inviting my kids’ friends over buys me time. You would think that more kids would be more work, but when they are playing together they usually ask a lot less of me than if they were at home alone with me.

But really, finding time for self-care wasn’t the biggest hurdle. The biggest change came with a change of attitude. When I stopped dismissing my own needs and decided that it was worth spending time taking care of myself, suddenly it became much easier to “find” the time to do so.

Briana Tomkinson is a New Westminster mom, freelance writer, and Editor in Chief of www.TenthtotheFraser.ca