This post, is a part of a four part series, where we’ll hear directly from the parents in the community. Briana Tomkinson is a New West resident who lives with her family in the West End. 

This summer my mother and father-in-law moved into our basement suite. Adding grandparents to our household has enriched our children’s relationships with them, and it can be a big help to have a few extra pairs of hands around! But when grandparents move from being occasional babysitters or friendly visitors to living in the same house full-time, they also begin to take more of an active role in caring for the grandkids – a transition that is not without challenges.

Attitudes towards parenting have changed dramatically since our kids’ grandparents were parents. Parenting philosophies have changed, and safety guidelines can be dramatically different from common practices 30 years ago when car seats were almost unknown, formula-feeding was recommended over breastfeeding, children roamed the streets unsupervised until dinner or injury recalled them home, and babies were laid to rest on their bellies, bundled up in warm quilts.

So it’s no surprise that multigenerational households like mine can stumble into conflict on certain parenting practices, even while we are all acting with the best of intentions. Here are a few tips I’ve learned to smooth the way:

 Invite grandparents to share their stories

My mother-in-law says that when my husband was a baby she special-ordered a car seat for him from England because they were unavailable to purchase in Canada at the time. The older children in the family had never used car seats. My father-in-law tells wonderful stories about growing up in New Westminster in the ’40s and ’50s, when he would ride his bike to the hardware store and spend his allowance money on a large bag of powdered asbestos, with which to make playdough and papier mache masks with his friends. Times have changed a lot and hearing their stories reminds me that the parenting practices I take for granted today are often quite different from what was normal when they were new parents.

 Prep your kids

When Grandpa or Grandma move in, some conflict is natural. When kids are occasional visitors with grandparents, they may be showing their best behaviour and grandparents may put in more of an effort to be fun and easygoing. The day-to-day family relationship presents more opportunities for disagreement and disappointment. Kids being kids, may not display ideal manners all the time, and grandparents’ tempers may grow shorter. You may need to smooth the way, helping kids to understand and accept grandparents’ wishes, and helping grandparents understand how your expectations of your children may differ (and why).

 Don’t sweat the small stuff

In an intergenerational household, you can’t expect each adult to parent in the same way. Dads parent differently than moms, and grandparents will do things their own way too. Grandparents may insist kids show more formal manners at the table than you were used to, or they may be less strict about things like how much television or video game time the kids have. As long as the children are safe, try not to worry about it. Kids are smart enough to adjust to the differences in parenting style, and they can benefit from exposure to different perspectives. As long as you are consistent about setting and enforcing rules when you are supervising them, it will do little harm for grandparents to indulge the kids now and then, and it can be good for kids to learn that other adults expect them to show polite behaviour and demonstrate good manners.

 Do hold your ground on the big stuff

Be clear about the values and rules that are most important in your home. If you are vegan you may need to firmly explain to Grandma that she is not to feed your toddler boiled eggs. If a 7:30pm bedtime is firm in your house, make sure that Grandpa knows not to let the kids sweet-talk him into staying up late. You may also need to educate grandparents on newer safety guidelines, such as always laying babies to sleep on their backs or how to properly install a car seat. It is up to you to communicate which guidelines are “suggestions” in your house and which are rules you expect grandparents to follow. If your parenting style is very different from their habits, you may need to speak up to remind them if they forget, or restate your house rules more assertively. Be prepared to explain why these things are important to you, and ensure that you and your partner are presenting a united front.

Connect with the community

It may help for grandparents to connect with other grandparents who are caring for kids in the community. Playgroups like Family Place and Strong Start where parents and other caregivers can bring their children are enriching and fun for both adults and kids.

Take their advice (with a grain of salt)

Even if it has been a long time since they were parents, grandparents have a lot of wisdom to offer. The biggest help they can offer is perspective: when you are in the trenches as a new parent it can seem like difficult phases may never end. It can help to hear that all babies cry, all toddlers tantrum, all kids break things, teens rebel – and in the end, most turn out just fine.

Remember always that grandparents love you and your children and are looking to do what’s best for the family.